Why I Struggle with YouTube (and social media)

I suspect that not many people, if anyone at all, will read this post or any of my blog (negative, I know) but it's nice to think that someone could be reading about my experiences with YouTube and social media in general, which I would quite like to share with you, just for fun! :)

I used to do crappy Minecraft videos on my channel and I didn't care what people thought about them. Bearing in mind, I was younger than I am now, and mean comments didn't even cross my mind (those were the days!). I found out that a boy in my year group at school found the videos and watched them, and he still reminds me to this day of them. I don't really mind, I mean I guess when I made them I was just a cringey kid!

After deleting those Minecraft videos (the best decision I've ever made, lol) I decided to post a kind of not really music video of this joke my friends and I had created. The 'song' was about french food, and honestly I never took it seriously. I uploaded the video onto a new YouTube channel I had made, and for some reason at the moment the wierd song has over 300 views. Don't ask.

To be honest, I took advantage that people at school knew about my channel and I started to upload more videos, but these were ukulele videos. I got 20 subscribers but after a bit the ukulele thing just didn't work for me. I decided to try out normal talking videos, and I even uploaded a couple vlogs, and I enjoyed it. But then, in lessons at school like ICT, I was so scared and panicky about people seeing my videos in class that I had to find any reason to get out of the lesson and take a breather outside to calm myself down. I'm better at coping with ICT now, but I still do feel very anxious at other times.

My channel has 22 active subscribers, but it's not going anywhere, and these panicky YouTube thoughts that occur when I'm at school are, to be honest, starting to take over. I've always had millions of insecurities when I'm filming, and, even though YouTube was my dream, I knew I'd never get there.

I wanted to try out singing videos on YouTube, and I had found a new idol to look up to and everything. I knew that if I tried it out, I could get more subscribers and maybe more people would find out about me. (I know it sounds selfish!) The want to sing online became something I had to do, but I just couldn't. Over time, my worries took me over and my number of insecurities shot up. 

This links on to Instagram. I love Instagram, I have an account and everything, but one thing I just can't do is take selfies. Sometimes I want to, maybe if it's my birthday and I want to take a smiley one of myself with a present, or something like that. I knew people at school would see, I just didn't know what they'd... do.

I over heard people talking about their insecurities and how low their self-esteem is, but at least they can post pictures of themselves on the internet. It scares me to much, and now my anxious thoughts are starting to take over me.

I've realized I need to change something. In this new year, I'm aiming to get over my worries, follow my dreams and be more grateful for the amazing people around me. If I go around everywhere feeling insecure, I'm never gonna achieve the goals I want to achieve in life. Cheesy as heck, I know.

I've decided to take a break from YouTube and Instagram and try something new, like blogging. Yeh, I still have a million fears about people at school knowing about my blog (even though I won't tell them), but they won't know it's me. Will they?

Thank you for reading this, if you got this far. If this helped you in any way, please tell me! See you next time...

JBlogger :)